wait/wāt/
Stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens.

First of all, I want to thank God once again for this blog, and also thank you for your readership! Its a pleasure to have this outlet, and to be able to share as I learn....or in some cases seek more information during this Christian walk!

I really love Google images. I'm always able to find a great accent image to go with what I'm feeling, such as the image to the left. Its a picture of a woman all dressed, hair flowing and made up (she has some fly shoes on too, but the dress was short and tight, so I cropped the bottom 1/2 out, lol) She's ready to move and walk into a fun night but waiting on something first, most likely a car service or date to come get her first. She's done all the preparing, and now all she wants to do is move, so she focuses her time on staring out of the window until it happens. Not watching TV, sitting on the phone, surfing the net to pass the time......all she wants to do at this point is move.

It reminds me also of a pretty classic episode of Sex in the City. Now before you crucify me, I don't really watch the show anymore, but there was something interesting about this particular episode. Carrie moved to Paris with a man, and was waiting for a fantastic first night out on the town once her boyfriend came back from a 'quick' visit to his museum exhibit. Now Carrie had dreamed of going to Paris all her life, and decided to take a chance....walk on faith if you will that moving to Paris with this man would be fun a would work out.  She wore one of the most fabulous dresses I've ever seen, really detailed makeup---I mean the works. And at the end of the day, she was stood up. And this kept going on over and over again. After  trying to do all of the right things, pass as much time as possible visiting museums and coffee shops to enjoy her current situation and to just be ready when it comes. But after a while, Paris became a really disheartening place to be, even though it was the place she dreamed about all of her life. She was waiting for so long with no glimpse of change in the near future.

In many ways, I'd have to say that I'm there now. There are so many amazing things happening in my life which are awesome, and which I've been hoping for my whole life. But on the other hand, there are a few other things which I've been looking out of the window waiting for......and really I guess instead of looking out, I've been looking up. I've prayed, fasted, vowed, and done all kinds of things also in the physical to prepare myself for what I'm asking for, and it seems that its always one step forward, 3 steps back. Its a really frustrating place to be.

I have to be honest and say that this time, I don't think I've completely learned the lesson yet to share with you all, but I'm hopeful for a part II (hopefully soon!) to be able to shed some light on this. What I am realizing that the concept of really waiting on the Lord is a bit more complicated than it might seem. I don't have the desire to step outside of any of the things God asked me to do in rebellion, or to attain what I'm looking for by any ungodly means. But I have found myself having really honest conversations with God saying what is in my way here? I've been doing what you ask, looking to you, and equipping and preparing myself to handle the new workload and chapter when I get there. It's like a parent saying to a kid "You can go play outside once you finish your plate, do your chores and clean your room" but once all that is done, hearing OK good job, but keep waiting. It's a hard place to be and to understand. Especially if you feel you've been in that place for a few years.

Waiting generally just isn't fun. Especially when you've done so much to prepare for it first. No, after no, after no kinda gets to you. But I guess what I'm learning about myself through this, is how much of a fundamental change I have gone through. I tend to me a 'by any means necessary' and 'go hard' type of person, but God really took away that desire to approach this that way. On the other hand, I would say I'm not perfect and I have been saying a lot of probably annoying "whys" and "pretty pleases", lol. I get anxious sometimes and kind of want to throw up my hands and those dreams, but I'm learning a lot more about myself through this. Seems like for reasons that I can't control, I've been seeing a lot of "Nos" which I hoped woI also have been following a lot of my friends and colleagues on gchat, bbm, facebook etc, and it seems a lot of people are in a place where they feel stuck. It can be a bit depressing to be there at this time of year, when 1st of all its cold, and it may seem that everyone else is so happy. But ultimately as hard as it may be, or as unhelpful as it may seem at the time, we have to let God's word be our strength.

The Bible says “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” [Matt 19:26] and I really cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I guess I may have to just close my eyes and trust it's there.
*closes eyes*
_

Yes. This picture pretty much sums up what I've been feeling lately, lol. While some things are moving along, there are those annoyances that keep creeping up and messing up my flow. Rail, car and bus traffic in the most inopportune times, piled on work that feels like its just not getting done, miscommunications, headaches, painful muscle spasms.........the works. That's been the last few weeks for me. That's not to say I didn't have high points, like spending time with some special people at a conference this weekend, or working on fun events, but it's just been feeling like some key things that are important to me are just not happening, and that I have no control over them.

frus·tra·tion (noun):
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

Anyone who really knows me knows that I don't like to unload my burdens on others, but last night and today, I had to call it in to a few people. I'm stressed. I've got stuff happening at work that's been difficult to navigate around, people that are pulling complete 360s on me and attacking my whole character because of one misunderstanding, trains which never run late, running super late when I choose to take that to get to work a little earlier (and end up getting there later)...............I've just been feeling attacked all around and like I can't do anything right. How can I be hustling so hard each day, trying to accommodate others so much and still end up here? It's crazy. Sorry if I'm venting a bit, lol. Unlike other posts, I'm still actually in the middle of it and not quite at the end of it yet. But I think that's where the strength of everything God's laid on my heart is coming from.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord who created heaven and earth ~Ps 121:1-2

For one, I have found myself for the past few weeks stuck in this frustrated place, and finding it harder to really pray and dwell in His presence longer. I talk to God throughout the day, but my worship hasn't been the same. I guess, I haven't looked to praise really as the source of my help in all of this. It's been praying solely to thank God for the things that have been going well, and out of habit, but not really laying everything at God's feet to handle. I do have a hard time laying down my burdens in general for others to handle, but I'm learning that I really need to intentionally do that more to get the right guidance from God to help me make the right decisions to get myself out of it.

Even as I'm saying this, I'm recognizing that sometimes its really hard. Sometimes[at least for me] it feels like the very thing you've been praying for each day is what is falling apart the worst. Its the one thing that you can't see your way out of, and you keep trying to do your best with it, but nothing seems to be coming through. A good mentor of mine mentioned a few pearls to a group of us a church these past few weeks, and I'm starting to see the relevance to my own life. The first thing he said was

"If you can see it, its not faith"

Wow, that's deep. Especially for me, because it it my lack of seeing my way out of these things, and understanding what God is going to do next that's been getting me even more frustrated. The next thing he said which goes with it, is

"We need to have stubborn faith"

I'm really holding onto this, and imagining a stubborn child who just wants to grab a piece of candy off of the dining table which he's too short to reach. He jumps, and reaches and reaches, but once he realizes his inadequacies, he goes to the mom or dad for help to get it. Now, if its something he's allowed to have, the parent of course will give it to him, but if this kid already has rotten teeth, or if the candy has some grossly unhealthy ingredients or side effects, the kid won't have it, but for his own good. I'm really working on having that stubborn faith, and believing that all things really are working for my good. Its really hard to see that the bad annoyances are working for your good. Its super duper easy when you're on the other end of whatever hill you just climbed to say oh, it wasn't that bad, but somehow in the middle of it, it feels that bad, lol. But I'm trying to learn to have a more holistic and long term focus, because I know that's what God is working on. He has more than enough grace to fill my inadequacies, and his thoughts of me are greater than I can imagine, regardless of what others think or say about me. He has his own ways of placing and removing things from my life, and His judgement will always be right. I'm using this time as a weightlifting class for my faith. He sees the whole picture, and its bright, so I have to just see God and know that my future is bright in His hands.

As always, as I'm encouraging myself, I hope this encourages you through whatever may be happening with you as well. I write as I grow, and I pray that we all keep growing!