Yes. This picture pretty much sums up what I've been feeling lately, lol. While some things are moving along, there are those annoyances that keep creeping up and messing up my flow. Rail, car and bus traffic in the most inopportune times, piled on work that feels like its just not getting done, miscommunications, headaches, painful muscle spasms.........the works. That's been the last few weeks for me. That's not to say I didn't have high points, like spending time with some special people at a conference this weekend, or working on fun events, but it's just been feeling like some key things that are important to me are just not happening, and that I have no control over them.

frus·tra·tion (noun):
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

Anyone who really knows me knows that I don't like to unload my burdens on others, but last night and today, I had to call it in to a few people. I'm stressed. I've got stuff happening at work that's been difficult to navigate around, people that are pulling complete 360s on me and attacking my whole character because of one misunderstanding, trains which never run late, running super late when I choose to take that to get to work a little earlier (and end up getting there later)...............I've just been feeling attacked all around and like I can't do anything right. How can I be hustling so hard each day, trying to accommodate others so much and still end up here? It's crazy. Sorry if I'm venting a bit, lol. Unlike other posts, I'm still actually in the middle of it and not quite at the end of it yet. But I think that's where the strength of everything God's laid on my heart is coming from.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord who created heaven and earth ~Ps 121:1-2

For one, I have found myself for the past few weeks stuck in this frustrated place, and finding it harder to really pray and dwell in His presence longer. I talk to God throughout the day, but my worship hasn't been the same. I guess, I haven't looked to praise really as the source of my help in all of this. It's been praying solely to thank God for the things that have been going well, and out of habit, but not really laying everything at God's feet to handle. I do have a hard time laying down my burdens in general for others to handle, but I'm learning that I really need to intentionally do that more to get the right guidance from God to help me make the right decisions to get myself out of it.

Even as I'm saying this, I'm recognizing that sometimes its really hard. Sometimes[at least for me] it feels like the very thing you've been praying for each day is what is falling apart the worst. Its the one thing that you can't see your way out of, and you keep trying to do your best with it, but nothing seems to be coming through. A good mentor of mine mentioned a few pearls to a group of us a church these past few weeks, and I'm starting to see the relevance to my own life. The first thing he said was

"If you can see it, its not faith"

Wow, that's deep. Especially for me, because it it my lack of seeing my way out of these things, and understanding what God is going to do next that's been getting me even more frustrated. The next thing he said which goes with it, is

"We need to have stubborn faith"

I'm really holding onto this, and imagining a stubborn child who just wants to grab a piece of candy off of the dining table which he's too short to reach. He jumps, and reaches and reaches, but once he realizes his inadequacies, he goes to the mom or dad for help to get it. Now, if its something he's allowed to have, the parent of course will give it to him, but if this kid already has rotten teeth, or if the candy has some grossly unhealthy ingredients or side effects, the kid won't have it, but for his own good. I'm really working on having that stubborn faith, and believing that all things really are working for my good. Its really hard to see that the bad annoyances are working for your good. Its super duper easy when you're on the other end of whatever hill you just climbed to say oh, it wasn't that bad, but somehow in the middle of it, it feels that bad, lol. But I'm trying to learn to have a more holistic and long term focus, because I know that's what God is working on. He has more than enough grace to fill my inadequacies, and his thoughts of me are greater than I can imagine, regardless of what others think or say about me. He has his own ways of placing and removing things from my life, and His judgement will always be right. I'm using this time as a weightlifting class for my faith. He sees the whole picture, and its bright, so I have to just see God and know that my future is bright in His hands.

As always, as I'm encouraging myself, I hope this encourages you through whatever may be happening with you as well. I write as I grow, and I pray that we all keep growing!

Happy Friday everyone! I feel so blessed to be writing again, and I must start by explaining the reasons for my month long hiatus. I know I missed 1-2 updates on here, but I was a bit discouraged by the small increase in visitors I was getting for my last two posts. I figured there was no point in writing if only a couple people were reading, but during this time I found that everything felt different since I wasn't writing. I didn't have that outlet which was even affecting my own closeness with God and the word. Interesting right? Well, everything happens for a reason, I took my pearl from that lesson and I'm back to writing!

So, what's with the topic: "I know what the Bible says, but let's talk reality." As always these things are inspired by personal areas of growth that I've identified, and also by things I hear. The amazing thing about this quote, is that it isn't unbelievers that use it. Its people that we go to church with. In a lot of cases, its even the radical ones who have everything to say if you don't give God a capital G when spelling, don't wear exactly a 3/4 length skirt, or don't hold your Bible in the air while praying. Interesting right?

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness." (2 Tim. 3:16)

The scripture passage I pulled this time is pretty short, but gives a whole lot to reflect on. Do we really believe this? That's the main question. It doesn't matter how well you know what the Bible says, what matters is if you believe its true. If you only believe it in part, well the next question is does comfort and convenience affect what you choose to believe and discard? I find that a lot of times, it does.

Case in point. I've had people blatantly tell me that its going to take forever for me to get married because if I choose to be abstinent. These were not just people, but they were Christians, and in some cases people that I've gotten in other debates about Christian topics before. Now why do they say this? Well, generally the reasoning is somewhere along the lines of "Well, you know how men are" or some crafty excuse like "He'll think that you think he's a fool" or even the ever famous "If he isn't getting it from you, where do you think he's getting it from?" The worst part is that when, my response is "God calls us to abstain from that, so I want to do that from now on, and with whoever I choose to date" I get snapped at with "Hey, you're not the only one who knows what the Bible says, I'm just telling you how it is." So man knows how it is more than God? Did He ask us to do anything impossible? The issue here is that for anyone who truly believes what the Bible says, you know that the Bible FIRST calls you not to be unequally yoked, meaning that you find someone who wants to walk with God........for real, not just for 2 hours on Sunday. That means that both people won't be willing to sacrifice their salvation for temporary satisfaction with, or for the other because God is first.
I'll also take some time out to make a brief tangent that just because you've fallen before doesn't mean that you can't get back up and walk in accordance to what God says. It's not about having a perfect past, but about incorporating your understanding of God's will as you grow in him.

That was a more straightforward example of people separating God's will and reality, and really we can take that into almost any topic; drunkenness, adultery, abuse etc. I just chose the above example because its what I've heard the most recently. But to peel back an extra layer, many of us do this by lacking trust in what God asks us to do. "I know the Bible tells me that whatever I ask for, and believe that He will do for me will come to pass, but........." See that word but is pretty dangerous. That's because a lot of times, whatever comes after it is due to a lack of faith. God wants us to walk by faith, but I at least personally find that its hard to do, and sometimes I just want to walk by sight. Referencing the picture I chose for this post, I want to see some sort of fruit before I do anything. Even sometimes after I've gotten instruction from God, its easy to hesitate unless I see some physical evidence that where I'm going is right and will prosper - and that's wrong. That again is relying on man more than God. God alone knows what lies in the future, so we have to learn to rely on God.

There's something that I wanted for a very long time, that I've been praying for, and is an area that I've had quite a few disappointments in the past. So whenever an opportunity comes up, I automatically go into calculating mode, trying to figure out on my own if it'll prosper this time. "Yea, yea, I know that God doesn't see things as man sees them and he may just need me to follow this time, but I just don't know whats over there." "I know about the story where the Jews followed God into what they thought was in barren land after leaving Egypt, but God provided them with manna and even at times with water from unsuspecting rocks,....................but this is risky, and I need to see where I'm going" These are thoughts which have come into my head about the doubts that I had about where God was leading my future - and not only is it wrong, it actually doesn't make sense when you take the time to really acknowledge that God knows everything, including the future and that we have a limited view. It's like someone who's been hanging below the deck of a ship all day and can't see where they are suddenly coming upstairs and telling the captain that they need to change direction. I'm learning more and more to just let go and let God do the leading. I'm learning what trusting Him and His word really means..............and for starters, it doesn't always mean taking the easy way out.

I'm learning to really trust and let go, and want to encourage you to do the same! Let's trust that the word of God is real, not conditional and that it was given to us by someone who knows us, the world and our futures more than we do. That's the first step to progressing towards your destiny. *Feyi takes one step forward* Anyone with me?