.A few years ago, I dated someone and we eventually broke up. After we split, I found out about some additional things that this person was doing behind my back while we were still together. I was very angry and just completely cut this person off. I even remember a specific time where I actually blacked out while screaming for this person to leave me alone and never speak to me again [or at least I think that was the gist of it]. I'll never forget the look on his face when I came back to myself, and how he just walked away silently. I was soooo glad to finally get that negativity out of my life...........or so I thought.
Flash forward to this past month, almost 6 years later. I wake up in an awesome mood on a beautiful Saturday morning ready to conquor the world! I say my prayers and everything is all good until I take my morning look through my blackberry...........I remember my next thoughts so clearly.....
"How dare you, YOU? What do you think this is? I can't deal with this craziness. This is ridiculous. ........."
Why that reaction? A friend request from this same person. Almost 6 years after the deed. I am telling you brothers and sisters that in that moment God really began to speak to me. He always speaks to me, but in that moment it became very clear what's been holding me back in certain aspects of life. My inability to forgive and let go of certain things. The first thing I thought about was how I ask God for forgiveness every day for dumb things that I do, sometimes knowingly. My spirit was reminding me that Matthew 6:14 says "For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" but my heart was saying "absolutely not, this is different." I caught myself again. My spirit was saying "you're making excuses" and my heart was just saying "no, no one understands." The crazy thing, was that in that moment, I felt that even God couldn't understand.
A few moments later, I began to be reminded of what a Christian is. A follower of Christ. Someone who forgives one person seventy times seven times. So I took a deep breath and said OK God, I forgive him........................but I'm not trying to be friends on Facebook. I was still looking for indirect ways to tell the ex to stay out of my face. Then the Spirit began to go to work again on me. If you truly forgive him, this won't be a problem. No one says you have to be bffs. Just take the high road and let this thing heal. So I eventually let it all go with a deep sigh, and clicked 'accept.'
Now anyone who knows me well, knows that I am the logical person. I hate when things get overcomplicated or illogical due to extreme emotions. For the rest of the day, I kept asking myself, why was that so hard? What's going on here? I am not this irrational. But it was the beginning of God showing me something miraculous about myself and who I've become. For the next couple of weeks, I started to have random flashbacks about things that have happened to me since 'the incident' and how it affected much more than my relationship life. Things that people have done or said to me and how I felt. How I reacted. How in some cases, I did things that were uncalled for to other people. This was not exactly a leisurely walk down memory lane. It burned. But what I learned, is that there are many things that I've swept under the rug, instead of sweeping into a dust pan and throwing into the trash. And even worse, until now I had no idea that these things were holding me back in so many ways. I watched how my behavior began to change over the years and I became more and more distant from people for lack of trust. I watched how I sometimes buried myself in work to run from people. And more recently, even in my new life walking with Christ, I allow God to touch everything in my life, but my heart. Touch my church Lord, touch my job, touch my family and my charity work, but don't touch my scarred heart...........This is deep, and its hard for me to even type it right now, but I know this is going to touch someone else. I was acting like a child with a cut who runs from their parent when they attempt to clean and bandage the cut for fear of that temporary sting from the alcohol wipe. But without treatment, that cut can get infected or heal incorrectly over time.....................but I serve the ultimate Doctor who can heal even the most infected wound. [Amen?]
"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." - 2 Corinthians 5:17
This is one of my favorite scriptures, and this month it took new meaning in my heart. Not only should my actions become new, but my entire being. I have to let God create a new heart in me. I have to stop holding onto past things and using it as an excuse to not proceed into my destiny. Even Jesus says Himself in Luke 9:62 “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” I want to be used by God and I want to reach the destiny that He has planned for me, so I'm not just allowing Him, but really inviting Him into this place that I've been hiding from Him[as if there's anything we can hide from God, lol]. Come on in! You're cordially invited Lord!
I'm sharing this not just to talk about myself, but because we all have been failed at some point, and we all have those things that we may not have completely given to God yet. It might be feeling inadequate at work or in school. It might be guilt from something you did, and continue to punish yourself for. It might be hurt from your family, chronic depression or low self esteem. I'm bearing witness to the fact that He is an awesome burden bearer, and no matter what that thing is, if you let Him into your heart, and answer Him when He speaks to you, He will surely do a new thing in you. I pray that my experiences and journey with Christ richly blesses you, strengthens you and helps you to give it all to Him so that you can accelerate into your beautiful, bright future!!
Flash forward to this past month, almost 6 years later. I wake up in an awesome mood on a beautiful Saturday morning ready to conquor the world! I say my prayers and everything is all good until I take my morning look through my blackberry...........I remember my next thoughts so clearly.....
"How dare you, YOU? What do you think this is? I can't deal with this craziness. This is ridiculous. ........."
Why that reaction? A friend request from this same person. Almost 6 years after the deed. I am telling you brothers and sisters that in that moment God really began to speak to me. He always speaks to me, but in that moment it became very clear what's been holding me back in certain aspects of life. My inability to forgive and let go of certain things. The first thing I thought about was how I ask God for forgiveness every day for dumb things that I do, sometimes knowingly. My spirit was reminding me that Matthew 6:14 says "For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" but my heart was saying "absolutely not, this is different." I caught myself again. My spirit was saying "you're making excuses" and my heart was just saying "no, no one understands." The crazy thing, was that in that moment, I felt that even God couldn't understand.
A few moments later, I began to be reminded of what a Christian is. A follower of Christ. Someone who forgives one person seventy times seven times. So I took a deep breath and said OK God, I forgive him........................but I'm not trying to be friends on Facebook. I was still looking for indirect ways to tell the ex to stay out of my face. Then the Spirit began to go to work again on me. If you truly forgive him, this won't be a problem. No one says you have to be bffs. Just take the high road and let this thing heal. So I eventually let it all go with a deep sigh, and clicked 'accept.'
Now anyone who knows me well, knows that I am the logical person. I hate when things get overcomplicated or illogical due to extreme emotions. For the rest of the day, I kept asking myself, why was that so hard? What's going on here? I am not this irrational. But it was the beginning of God showing me something miraculous about myself and who I've become. For the next couple of weeks, I started to have random flashbacks about things that have happened to me since 'the incident' and how it affected much more than my relationship life. Things that people have done or said to me and how I felt. How I reacted. How in some cases, I did things that were uncalled for to other people. This was not exactly a leisurely walk down memory lane. It burned. But what I learned, is that there are many things that I've swept under the rug, instead of sweeping into a dust pan and throwing into the trash. And even worse, until now I had no idea that these things were holding me back in so many ways. I watched how my behavior began to change over the years and I became more and more distant from people for lack of trust. I watched how I sometimes buried myself in work to run from people. And more recently, even in my new life walking with Christ, I allow God to touch everything in my life, but my heart. Touch my church Lord, touch my job, touch my family and my charity work, but don't touch my scarred heart...........This is deep, and its hard for me to even type it right now, but I know this is going to touch someone else. I was acting like a child with a cut who runs from their parent when they attempt to clean and bandage the cut for fear of that temporary sting from the alcohol wipe. But without treatment, that cut can get infected or heal incorrectly over time.....................but I serve the ultimate Doctor who can heal even the most infected wound. [Amen?]
"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." - 2 Corinthians 5:17
This is one of my favorite scriptures, and this month it took new meaning in my heart. Not only should my actions become new, but my entire being. I have to let God create a new heart in me. I have to stop holding onto past things and using it as an excuse to not proceed into my destiny. Even Jesus says Himself in Luke 9:62 “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” I want to be used by God and I want to reach the destiny that He has planned for me, so I'm not just allowing Him, but really inviting Him into this place that I've been hiding from Him[as if there's anything we can hide from God, lol]. Come on in! You're cordially invited Lord!
I'm sharing this not just to talk about myself, but because we all have been failed at some point, and we all have those things that we may not have completely given to God yet. It might be feeling inadequate at work or in school. It might be guilt from something you did, and continue to punish yourself for. It might be hurt from your family, chronic depression or low self esteem. I'm bearing witness to the fact that He is an awesome burden bearer, and no matter what that thing is, if you let Him into your heart, and answer Him when He speaks to you, He will surely do a new thing in you. I pray that my experiences and journey with Christ richly blesses you, strengthens you and helps you to give it all to Him so that you can accelerate into your beautiful, bright future!!
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